I'm currently watching "Extreme Makeover" - Weight loss edition. For those of you who have not seen it, the people selected get to work with Chris Powell in transforming their life and their body over a year. What I like about this programme is that it shows both the successes and the failures and how hard weight loss really is. What I like also, it shows the journey is not just about weight loss, but changing old habits, adjusting lifestyle, nutrition, and environment. It also shows the raw emotion associated with the journey - both good and bad.I am struggling to find it at the moment.
For me at the moment - I'm at an emotional low. The journey feels tougher than ever and I am struggling.
I have come to the conclusion - maybe I am not caring enough about myself. My word of the year was FOCUS - I think I have lost some of it and I am struggling to find it.
I'm not sure how I have come to this place. Some of the events in my life have raised the stress levels, taken up more of my time, and now Im starting to get sick more often. I need to change this - I need to address my stress
How is the weight you ask? Well I have plateaued. I went up a little, then lost it and now am still sitting at the 41.3 kilo loss mark.
In the last week - I realised I was in the RED zone.
Looking back now, I was in this zone for a while. I had a large 1ml fill and a couple of weeks later, I felt more tight than I had initially. I was eating less (yay) but much of what I was eating was either sticking, taking ages to go through the band, or I was vomiting it up.
Because of this - I started making poor food choices - looking for sugar for energy as I wasn't getting enough nutrition from what I was getting through. While it was not heaps - it came in forms of chocolate and icecream - they melt and go through the band easy. I was starting to dread meals - and made me some what depressed. While down at my parents seeing my Dad for Fathers Day - seeing their concern for how little I was eating and throwing up even cruskits and hummus - stubborn me realised it was time for an unfill.
On Monday I went to the nurse, got a tut tut for waiting so long to come in and got a deflation of .8ml. Still .2 ml more than before the last fill. The nurse said I can get a small fill in a couple of weeks as everything needed to settle down and any possible inflammation needed to go. I could eat again, and oh the joy when I got to eat a beef salad!
I need to focus on my eating and my food choices now. I have done it right before and I have to do it now.
I also need to put myself in front of everything else going on, otherwise how else can I make this journey a success???
What else is stressing me - well constantly on my mind is my Dad. Chemo is not doing him any favours and he has become ill with it showing every symptom they listed. It is upsetting, and I feel the guilt that Im so far away and can't do anything to help him. Last weekend, being Fathers Day, hubby and I went down south to visit and I can honestly say we made a huge difference. Mum and Dad were so grateful to have us there. Hubby did the gardens for Dad, we did brunch and spent lots of quality time together. I talked to Dad about how I stressed about his health. He stressed to me to not feel guilty and he was positive chemo was just a precaution since his op. His attitude is amazing, and Im learning to take that with me and not the guilt.
I saw a psychologist at the clinic last week to hopefully help me address my stress issues and help me to help myself. I find I stress about everything these days, and I get out of routine and it makes it worse. Work is a constant stress - with seniors about to go to exams in a few weeks the pressure is on. There are other more personal family issues, losing weight, exercising more regularly, keeping healthy and I'm not putting myself first. Anyway, he is great and is working with me to address the causes, symptoms and managing it. And not judgemental at all!
It is time I do start caring about myself, and I have to put myself in the number one position. FOCUS on Cassie. It's also ok to ask for help, and support, and as the shrink said don't be so hard on myself - if I slip - get straight back up and get on with it. One of the coaches Donna at MaD Crossfit posted a great link about making goals, not excuses. And how to go about it. I've pasted it below:
I guess the downs are all part of the process though. As long as I learn from them and come back up - it will be fine. A blip on the radar - I will be back on track and reporting more positively shortly.