Reset time!

Since my last post - a bit more down, but now think Im on the up.  I'm being positive.

After writing my last post, I realised I had got into a bad state - quite depressed about everything and a tad overwhelmed and maybe expecting too much of myself all at once! 

Thanks for the kind words and support from all.  I needed to step back and re-evaluate everything.  Im already on anti-depressants (which have done me wonders over the years - they do help to balance me).  However, I need to be stricter with my food - not neccessarily worried about portion size (thats pretty good), its what Im putting in my mouth.  Since the loosening of the band this has improved - however I still have an addiction to sugar.  I can stop for a while but I keep going back to it for comfort.  But does it make me feel better - thinking about it - short answer.....NO!  It affects my moods, my sleep and probably does not do much for my stress.  Up until now, it has been my comfort, my feel good food and always there, along with the caramel machiatos from Starbucks. I realise - I'm talking like an addict! Its like alcohol, cigarettes or drugs - sugar is my addiction!

NOW is the time for change - after a reality check email from my Crossfit coach - who says it how it is, and stated how bad my skin was looking at an event at the weekend (this clearly being due to reaction to sugar and dairy) - it was time to seriously take a look at my nutrition.

So starting back on the food diary monitoring everything I eat, cut out sugar, no more visits to Starbucks (that will save me money too!)

I am also struggling staying well - getting colds/viruses every couple of weeks.  Went to the docs who have taken blood samples to see if Im lacking in something.  Has anyone else with lapband found this?  I thought I would be more well post surgery, but cant escape the cold every couple of weeks.  This time of term Im seriously run down so also probably not at my best immunity.

Im going to go back the Paleo way - this worked a lot the first time I tried it (30 day challenge).  My goal of losing 10 kilos in 10 weeks not quite the success I wanted - since I plateaued - Ive started losing again.  Im at a 3-4 loss and with 2.5 weeks left - I would be quite excited if I made the 10 kilo mark.   I don't think I factored life into the equation.  I was talking to a friend today and we both said how great it would be to be locked away in the Biggest Loser house for 3 months without other influences/interuptions.

My next goal from this reset is to be at my best for 'barbells for boobs' on October 29th at my crossfit gym (this workout is done at gyms all over the world).  The workout is 30 clean and jerks in a row with a cap of 15 mins for the workout.  Proceeds from the event go to breast cancer research.  This gives me FOCUS - my word of the year :)

Finally some pics from Fight Gone Bad 6 - held at the weekend (with my bad face ;))
I did the womens intermediate version and got a score of 243 - improving from my last attempt.  Fight Gone Bad consists of:
Three rounds of:
Wall-ball, 20/14 pound ball, 10 ft target (Reps)
Sumo deadlift high-pull, 16 kg (Reps)
Box Step Up, 20″ box (Reps)
Push-press, 15 kg (Reps)
Row (Calories)

Psyching myself up for the sumo deadlift

Step Ups

Push Press

Row

Wall ball - trying to hit the pink target!

Straight After 3 rounds - alive...just!

Mmm, some of the sweat and t shirt marks I left behind!

Onwards and Upwards!!!

A Blip on the Weight Loss Radar

I'm currently watching "Extreme Makeover" - Weight loss edition.  For those of you who have not seen it, the people selected get to work with Chris Powell in transforming their life and their body over a year.  What I like about this programme is that it shows both the successes and the failures and how hard weight loss really is.  What I like also, it shows the journey is not just about weight loss, but changing old habits, adjusting lifestyle, nutrition, and environment.  It also shows the raw emotion associated with the journey - both good and bad.I am struggling to find it at the moment.

For me at the moment - I'm at an emotional low.  The journey feels tougher than ever and I am struggling.

I have come to the conclusion - maybe I am not caring enough about myself.  My word of the year was FOCUS - I think I have lost some of it and I am struggling to find it.

I'm not sure how I have come to this place.  Some of the events in my life have raised the stress levels, taken up more of my time, and now Im starting to get sick more often.  I need to change this - I need to address my stress

How is the weight you ask? Well I have plateaued.  I went up a little, then lost it and now am still sitting at the 41.3 kilo loss mark.

In the last week - I realised I was in the RED zone.

Looking back now, I was in this zone for a while.  I had a large 1ml fill and a couple of weeks later, I felt more tight than I had initially.  I was eating less (yay) but much of what I was eating was either sticking, taking ages to go through the band, or I was vomiting it up.

Because of this - I started making poor food choices - looking for sugar for energy as I wasn't getting enough nutrition from what I was getting through.  While it was not heaps - it came in forms of chocolate and icecream - they melt and go through the band easy.  I was starting to dread meals - and made me some what depressed.  While down at my parents seeing my Dad for Fathers Day - seeing their concern for how little I was eating and throwing up even cruskits and hummus - stubborn me realised it was time for an unfill.

On Monday I went to the nurse, got a tut tut for waiting so long to come in and got a deflation of .8ml.  Still .2 ml more than before the last fill.  The nurse said I can get a small fill in a couple of weeks as everything needed to settle down and any possible inflammation needed to go.  I could eat again, and oh the joy when I got to eat a beef salad!

I need to focus on my eating and my food choices now.  I have done it right before and I have to do it now.

I also need to put myself in front of everything else going on, otherwise how else can I make this journey a success???

What else is stressing me - well constantly on my mind is my Dad.  Chemo is not doing him any favours and he has become ill with it showing every symptom they listed.  It is upsetting, and I feel the guilt that Im so far away and can't do anything to help him.  Last weekend, being Fathers Day, hubby and I went down south to visit and I can honestly say we made a huge difference.  Mum and Dad were so grateful to have us there.  Hubby did the gardens for Dad, we did brunch and spent lots of quality time together.  I talked to Dad about how I stressed about his health.  He stressed to me to not feel guilty and he was positive chemo was just a precaution since his op.  His attitude is amazing, and Im learning to take that with me and not the guilt.

I saw a psychologist at the clinic last week to hopefully help me address my stress issues and help me to help myself.  I find I stress about everything these days, and I get out of routine and it makes it worse.  Work is a constant stress - with seniors about to go to exams in a few weeks the pressure is on.  There are other more personal family issues, losing weight, exercising more regularly, keeping healthy and I'm not putting myself first.  Anyway, he is great and is working with me to address the causes, symptoms and managing it.  And not judgemental at all!

It is time I do start caring about myself, and I have to put myself in the number one position. FOCUS on Cassie.  It's also ok to ask for help, and support, and as the shrink said don't be so hard on myself - if I slip - get straight back up and get on with it.  One of the coaches Donna at MaD Crossfit posted a great link about making goals, not excuses.  And how to go about it.  I've pasted it below:

Making Excuses

I guess the downs are all part of the process though.  As long as I learn from them and come back up - it will be fine.  A blip on the radar - I will be back on track and reporting more positively shortly.

Post-Op Week 1

A week has gone by since banding, how time flies.

Hospital stay was good, nurses awesome.  All concerned there relieved it happened this time.  Got bumped up to a single room of my own (nice).  It was nice to wake up in recovery seeing similar surroundings, lights and the same theatre nurse from the operating room.  Got my own tv in my room with SKY - could only really cope with American Idol which my nurse watched with me while she wrote her notes up.  Next day after the surgeon gave me the ok, and said that in the end they didn't need to use a muscle relaxant I went home to sleep.  I found out later - it was really a 50/50 chance of success for the op after last time, so glad I was on the good 50 side.
Still happy, and improving a bit more everyday.  Turns out I may have been a little ambitious going back to school (work) on Monday (Day 3).  While I felt fine when I got up, after dealing with students, meetings, moving around etc, by 11am I was absolutely shattered!  Being stubborn, I continued through the day, but coming home - I was a physical and mental mess.  Hubby handed me the phone - tell work you aren't going in for a couple of days at least.  For once, I actually did what he said.

So what did I learn from that?  Well apart from my stubborness and pigheadness, Day 3 for me going back to teaching - far too soon!  I spent the next two days at home doing some serious R and R.  Back to work too soon. Taught Thursday being first teaching day, exhausted at the end so off on Friday.  I suppose I made it to work a little this week.

My problem was the guilt, but have to step back and realise it is a job not my life, and this year especially is to FOCUS (word of the year) on ME.  Just taking a bit of practise and changing of old habits.  Just relaxing and doing nothing has being hard, especially when I know there is that lingering school work in the background.  It will get done - when I'm all good.

Im healing nicely.  Being my first op wasn't sure what to expect so on the removal of the dressings, I just needed reassurance everything was ok, and no infection was nigh.  I had heard of horrible stories of the ports getting bacterial infections and spreading to the band - I was not having any of that!  So checked in with the nurse at the clinic, and all was good.  Apparently already have a decent amount of scar tissue under the skin which is good.  Yay!

Can I feel anything in me - no.  I do wonder exactly where the port is - I will probably find it when the swelling has gone done.  I have a lot of gurgling which sounds like a massive rumbling tummy, common apparently.  Embarrassing - yeah especially in a dead quiet staff meeting.  I have to have benefiber to keep me regular if needed.  In my sleep I have rolled on my stomach as well (naturally a tummy sleeper) - damn sore in the morning.  A real tight sensation as well.  Things I have to get used to.

So first week was a diet of liquids only - Approx 6 servings a day of up to 1/2 cup - increasing a little if comfortable.

For me this consisted of:  Protein shakes, Up and go, berocca, water, amazing broth cooked by Hubby (Chicken, Mushroom and a yummy Tomato and Basil), dilute cranberry juice, coffee, tea, and tomato juice.


Have I got hungry? Nope.   I was able to increase the liquids a little towards the end of the first week more for the nutrition rather than wanting it.  It has been weird not really having an interest in eating/drinking food, but apparently all normal.   One thing that has been awesome (in moderation of course) was having a fruju - Ahhhh so good for Summer, and even though it melts, made me think I was having something solid.

About day 5 when I went into the surgery I weighed myself with a pleasant surprise.  Had lost 2.1 kilos totalling 27.3 kilos lost.  Also when updating my ticker - I noticed my BMI has gone below 50.  Wooo hooooo!!!!!

Best part of the week - going back to work after 6 weeks and people immediately noticing I am smaller, and saying my clothes are getting too big for me (first time for that!), and the other was my hubby and how much he looked after me :) 

Week 2 food phase is pureed foods - Im definitely ready to move on to something with more substance.  I can have some banana (mashed and only 1/2) - love bananas!

Thanks to all who read this and wished me well - very much appreciated :)
And finally a couple of pics just before heading to hospital to add to the progress picture journey!

 

Second Date Announcement!!!!

Makes it sound like a rock concert - but not quite......

Finally after waiting for what seemed like forever (really only a week since I sent an email to the clinic), I got a date for my surgery, so the second attempt will go ahead on:

28th January 2011

That is the Friday before school goes back and is the date I had aimed for once I found out when my allergy testing was. Also now it is only 15 days away so 15 days left of the pre op diet.

I struggled today.  After my killer PT workout yesterday filled with weights, crosstraining, treadmill, lunges, squats and press ups and holds in multiple sets - I couldn't move much today. How good is a hot shower though - so good for the muscles.  Going to try and lose as much as I can before the op.  Today was hard though - got very hungry.  We opted for Chinese takeaway for dinner - I was somewhat careful eating only the vege and meat (with the sauces) was tempted by the wontons.  Could of had six - but had 4.  I actually think I needed something a bit extra today as I felt better afterwards with no effects.  Went dog walking with hubby afterwards in nicer cooler conditions.  Am back at the trainer tomorrow morning so will work off the extra food.  Have to keep focus (word of the year)

I have notice my denim 3/4 pants have become more like 7/8 pants - they are so much baggier and longer with now sitting on my hips.  Anthony could also fit his hand width in the gap at the waist.  Pretty good visual difference.  The 3/4 pants look dumb now, but yet I feel good wearing them as I know they used to be tight :)  Not quite falling off yet like this guy!

This also reminded me of this song:

Also in the plans is joining a walking group that the clinic runs.  Starts for the year next Monday for an hour.  Im quite excited.  Also hoping I will be better than some of the others.  I feel this could be a place where Im not last (unlike previous boot camps).  We shall see.  But fun, and get to meet fellow bandits!!!

Word of 2011

Arggghhhh the detox - week 1 of pre-op diet 2.  How soon one forgets the effects of it.

Within 2 days, my energy levels plummetted!   But due to heat - sleep still hard.  By Friday, I was sporting some pretty decent panda eyes.   Have been trying to keep up the exercise, but Fridays PT session was swapped for a sleep in.  I love sleep when I can get it.

Day 7 now, as long as I eat when I am meant to - things are getting better, and the energy levels are on the up!  In the week ahead, exercise every day no matter what.  Still on holiday for another 3 weeks so no excuse!

In a few blogs I have been reading, I noticed that people are chosing a:

Word Of The Year

I thought I would try this, actually harder than I thought.  So many words, but which one will drive me for the year?  Well this is it -



I thought about success, goal, determination, achievement etc but focus is what I need to get all of these.  Keep my eye on the prize as they would say and success will be mine.  That will be my 2011 :)