Reset time!

Since my last post - a bit more down, but now think Im on the up.  I'm being positive.

After writing my last post, I realised I had got into a bad state - quite depressed about everything and a tad overwhelmed and maybe expecting too much of myself all at once! 

Thanks for the kind words and support from all.  I needed to step back and re-evaluate everything.  Im already on anti-depressants (which have done me wonders over the years - they do help to balance me).  However, I need to be stricter with my food - not neccessarily worried about portion size (thats pretty good), its what Im putting in my mouth.  Since the loosening of the band this has improved - however I still have an addiction to sugar.  I can stop for a while but I keep going back to it for comfort.  But does it make me feel better - thinking about it - short answer.....NO!  It affects my moods, my sleep and probably does not do much for my stress.  Up until now, it has been my comfort, my feel good food and always there, along with the caramel machiatos from Starbucks. I realise - I'm talking like an addict! Its like alcohol, cigarettes or drugs - sugar is my addiction!

NOW is the time for change - after a reality check email from my Crossfit coach - who says it how it is, and stated how bad my skin was looking at an event at the weekend (this clearly being due to reaction to sugar and dairy) - it was time to seriously take a look at my nutrition.

So starting back on the food diary monitoring everything I eat, cut out sugar, no more visits to Starbucks (that will save me money too!)

I am also struggling staying well - getting colds/viruses every couple of weeks.  Went to the docs who have taken blood samples to see if Im lacking in something.  Has anyone else with lapband found this?  I thought I would be more well post surgery, but cant escape the cold every couple of weeks.  This time of term Im seriously run down so also probably not at my best immunity.

Im going to go back the Paleo way - this worked a lot the first time I tried it (30 day challenge).  My goal of losing 10 kilos in 10 weeks not quite the success I wanted - since I plateaued - Ive started losing again.  Im at a 3-4 loss and with 2.5 weeks left - I would be quite excited if I made the 10 kilo mark.   I don't think I factored life into the equation.  I was talking to a friend today and we both said how great it would be to be locked away in the Biggest Loser house for 3 months without other influences/interuptions.

My next goal from this reset is to be at my best for 'barbells for boobs' on October 29th at my crossfit gym (this workout is done at gyms all over the world).  The workout is 30 clean and jerks in a row with a cap of 15 mins for the workout.  Proceeds from the event go to breast cancer research.  This gives me FOCUS - my word of the year :)

Finally some pics from Fight Gone Bad 6 - held at the weekend (with my bad face ;))
I did the womens intermediate version and got a score of 243 - improving from my last attempt.  Fight Gone Bad consists of:
Three rounds of:
Wall-ball, 20/14 pound ball, 10 ft target (Reps)
Sumo deadlift high-pull, 16 kg (Reps)
Box Step Up, 20″ box (Reps)
Push-press, 15 kg (Reps)
Row (Calories)

Psyching myself up for the sumo deadlift

Step Ups

Push Press

Row

Wall ball - trying to hit the pink target!

Straight After 3 rounds - alive...just!

Mmm, some of the sweat and t shirt marks I left behind!

Onwards and Upwards!!!

A Blip on the Weight Loss Radar

I'm currently watching "Extreme Makeover" - Weight loss edition.  For those of you who have not seen it, the people selected get to work with Chris Powell in transforming their life and their body over a year.  What I like about this programme is that it shows both the successes and the failures and how hard weight loss really is.  What I like also, it shows the journey is not just about weight loss, but changing old habits, adjusting lifestyle, nutrition, and environment.  It also shows the raw emotion associated with the journey - both good and bad.I am struggling to find it at the moment.

For me at the moment - I'm at an emotional low.  The journey feels tougher than ever and I am struggling.

I have come to the conclusion - maybe I am not caring enough about myself.  My word of the year was FOCUS - I think I have lost some of it and I am struggling to find it.

I'm not sure how I have come to this place.  Some of the events in my life have raised the stress levels, taken up more of my time, and now Im starting to get sick more often.  I need to change this - I need to address my stress

How is the weight you ask? Well I have plateaued.  I went up a little, then lost it and now am still sitting at the 41.3 kilo loss mark.

In the last week - I realised I was in the RED zone.

Looking back now, I was in this zone for a while.  I had a large 1ml fill and a couple of weeks later, I felt more tight than I had initially.  I was eating less (yay) but much of what I was eating was either sticking, taking ages to go through the band, or I was vomiting it up.

Because of this - I started making poor food choices - looking for sugar for energy as I wasn't getting enough nutrition from what I was getting through.  While it was not heaps - it came in forms of chocolate and icecream - they melt and go through the band easy.  I was starting to dread meals - and made me some what depressed.  While down at my parents seeing my Dad for Fathers Day - seeing their concern for how little I was eating and throwing up even cruskits and hummus - stubborn me realised it was time for an unfill.

On Monday I went to the nurse, got a tut tut for waiting so long to come in and got a deflation of .8ml.  Still .2 ml more than before the last fill.  The nurse said I can get a small fill in a couple of weeks as everything needed to settle down and any possible inflammation needed to go.  I could eat again, and oh the joy when I got to eat a beef salad!

I need to focus on my eating and my food choices now.  I have done it right before and I have to do it now.

I also need to put myself in front of everything else going on, otherwise how else can I make this journey a success???

What else is stressing me - well constantly on my mind is my Dad.  Chemo is not doing him any favours and he has become ill with it showing every symptom they listed.  It is upsetting, and I feel the guilt that Im so far away and can't do anything to help him.  Last weekend, being Fathers Day, hubby and I went down south to visit and I can honestly say we made a huge difference.  Mum and Dad were so grateful to have us there.  Hubby did the gardens for Dad, we did brunch and spent lots of quality time together.  I talked to Dad about how I stressed about his health.  He stressed to me to not feel guilty and he was positive chemo was just a precaution since his op.  His attitude is amazing, and Im learning to take that with me and not the guilt.

I saw a psychologist at the clinic last week to hopefully help me address my stress issues and help me to help myself.  I find I stress about everything these days, and I get out of routine and it makes it worse.  Work is a constant stress - with seniors about to go to exams in a few weeks the pressure is on.  There are other more personal family issues, losing weight, exercising more regularly, keeping healthy and I'm not putting myself first.  Anyway, he is great and is working with me to address the causes, symptoms and managing it.  And not judgemental at all!

It is time I do start caring about myself, and I have to put myself in the number one position. FOCUS on Cassie.  It's also ok to ask for help, and support, and as the shrink said don't be so hard on myself - if I slip - get straight back up and get on with it.  One of the coaches Donna at MaD Crossfit posted a great link about making goals, not excuses.  And how to go about it.  I've pasted it below:

Making Excuses

I guess the downs are all part of the process though.  As long as I learn from them and come back up - it will be fine.  A blip on the radar - I will be back on track and reporting more positively shortly.

What I learnt this week!

First of all.....thank you for all the supportive and positive comments, and to my friends I see everyday the hugs and reassurance.

I'm feeling 100% better than I did this time last week.  I have learnt that my biggest enemy is MYSELF!  Nobody else.  It is something I have to work through, and with time my head space will catch up to all the changes going on in my life. 

My personal trainer in one of my last sessions with him (he is off to become a policeman), who knows me very well summed it up.  "Oh no, Cassie did not achieve excellence in her weight loss this week.  She focuses on the 900g she put on, doesn't matter about the 30 kilos she has lost.  She didn't get the perfect result this week."  (This all said with dripping sarcasm) It helped, and helped to reset my thinking.  Thanks Clayton :)  After 5 years with him - we have parted ways.  He has seen me through many weight loss ventures, and the gains from them.  However, at our last workout session, he left me at my best weight loss and on my way to me being the healthiest I can be.  He can be proud of his efforts, and tolerance with me over the years, and from that I am proud of myself as well....there I said it.  Yay!

This week I have started with a new trainer at a place called Mad Crossfit - a new system, and a new approach to achieving my goals.  Put to me by Clayton, it is a new exciting challenge.  Have had two sessions so far, and today I was doing shuttle runs...who would have thought???  Am starting with PT sessions and will build up to joining the hour long classes (small 6-8 people) once I more confident and familiar with the moves and techniques.  I'm loving it.  My new trainer, Donna is great - not too girly either - can't cope with those type of trainers!  The whole Mad Crossfit idea comes from the States, and they brought it here.  The focus is on  building strength and getting fit.  They can help with eating etc. but when it comes to the number on the scales, they aren't focussed on that.  I will leave the numbers to the clinic.  Fun times ahead :)

More positive things - after having an incident with a student's behaviour at school (work), I was pretty down on myself (again) - I posted a comment on Facebook about it not being my best teaching day, and outlined the basics of what happened which lead me to walking out on the class (putting myself in timeout) as it got to a point where I was either going to cry or completely nut off at the student.  Didn't expect much from the comment to be honest, but had some amazing supportive and positive comments from friends and ex students which again, put things in a better light for me.   Here were some of them:

I think you did the right thing by removing yourself from the situation Cass. And don't beat yourself up about it, you're only human, this k...ind of thing happens to everyone. I'd bet 100 bucks that it's happened to every other teacher you know at some point.  Yup, tomorrow will be better :-)

That is why I'm not a teacher..... I would need timeout everyday :D Tomorrow is going to be a better day!

I sympathise Cass and I hope that you have a much better day tomorrow. It's good you took yourself out of the situation. XO

Teaching is fantastic when it's good but god it sucks when you have a bad day... wine time? much love xx

much understanding from here - I felt that way so much last year! Thank god for an understanding HOD. Take it easy and tomorrow they will be angels for you :) Or else slam them!

It happens to us all, even JV! Tomorrow's another day, teenagers have short memories :)

silly students!! you need us back, we were the best aye hehehe ;) I hope tomorrow will be better for you and that, that class will calm down for you, other wise just bust out some kung fu hahaha x

It's okay, the awsum 7th formers of last year never saw that side of you, we all still think your awsum!

Everyday was your best day as a teacher !

Tomorrow is another day and you did the right thing. We all need space sometimes and with the pressure we are all under its a wonder it doesn't happen more often. Hang in there, I can see the holidays coming in fast:)

Don't beat yourself up about it. You've had a tough week and they must've tried it on when you didn't have much patience left.   Like someone else said, they probably will be angels next lesson.

We had teachers like that everyday, and you were definitly not one of them You are a great teacher

Miss u made me love bio haha now im doing a degree at it!! all thanks to u haha!! ur an awesome teacher i miss ur ways haha !

Kia Kaha Cass. You have to be strong to be a teacher, keep at it!!!!! xoxoxoxox

It was the students comments (in blue)  that actually touched me the most - never realised that saw me like that - quite humbling, but a lot of warm fuzzies.  Must remember to focus on the positive!

On the weight loss, I booked in to see the nurse, and got a fill - 0.6mL up to 3.6 mL now and booked in again in 2 weeks for another fill.  After about a day I felt more restriction.  I told her how although I thought I was chewing food enough, it still got stuck.  Turns out, its now the quality of chewing but the quantity of chewing!  I'm still eating too fast and the food doesnt have enough time to get through the band before the next lot is on its way - so build up occurs causing a blockage.  So focus is on chewing for a long time, putting utensils down and breaking between bites of food.  A learning process, but have not had a blockage since then.  The nurse was also very pleased with my progress and again told me not to worry about a less than a kilo gain.  I lost most of the 900g in the next week.  It does flucuated.   Other big tip I learnt - have water before a meal to lubricate my throat and reduce sticking/blocking.  Makes perfect sense really!!

So my week improved :)  I have more to blog but sleep calls for now.....'till next time.

This is not a cheery post....be warned.

This week - my head space has just gone nuts.  Only way I can explain it.

I have noticed that my perception of myself is still locked up in October 2010 before this journey began.  Although I know I have lost weight (scales don't lie) I cannot see myself as changed in the mirror.  I talked to a lady at the clinic about it and apparently it is very normal to be like this.  I just feel I am not improving.  I do have depression for which I am on medication, however I dont feel in control of my emotions at all.  While the pain from a few weeks back turned out to me starting to ovulate again, I am wondering if this sudden restart of hormones after such a long time without periods is also playing a part.  It came to ahead today when I just broke down crying (my poor husband....a very wet shoulder).  I feel helpless at this point.  Hubby urged me to go and see the clinic counsellor (probably not a bad idea) to talk through things.

I do try and be positive, and am working on accepting compliments (hard!).  Three co-workers commented on my visable loss this week, and being from those people, I know it is genuine.  I just dont see it myself. 

I also put on 900g this week - didn't really help things either.  After discussion, it has been worked out that I do need a fill as I am getting hungry a lot and craving sugar, and things I shouldnt have.  I have been guilty of indulging in some chocolate and chips this week.  Overwhelming guilt afterwards though.  Hope the fill helps this week, as it worked a treat last time.

Work is a bit bleh, half way through the term, a lot of work creeping on, and the weather is definitely turning towards the Winter side.  Kids get a bit crabby at this time of term.  Some more than others - one deciding to light the girls toilets on fire on Monday.  Fire, ambulance and police brought in.  Quite an event!

Exercise has definitely been the highlight of the week.  Manage two excellent workouts with PT using weights (first time since op).  Really felt it the next day, but a good pain.  Walks are still going as well.  Yay!


Finally, thoughts and prayers go out to those affected by the Japan earthquake.  Too soon after the Christchurch one a couple of weeks ago.  My own problems are rather insignificant in comparison.

Hoping for a better week ahead!